Feelings towards the Goddess

kaulayogi

Greetings,

I have been initiated in Bala mantra by a different Guru (not Kaula) and have been practising my Kriya and mantra. I have been exploring Sri Vidya Kaulachara and want to pursue it and currently in search of a phsyical Guru, while praying to Guruji and Maa Kamakhya for giving me directions.

However after getting exposed to the Kaula path of Guruji and his teachings I have had a very different state of mind. Various articles, like ‘Kamakhya told Amrita’, ‘See Goddess fast- specifically meditation on favourite God or Goddess and making love to them “if invited”’, Hladini Shakti being playful with Guruji while helping with Khadagmala, and many more did three things to my belief system-

I got Guruji’s message that love in any form is not wrong and shouldn’t be looked in a negative way.
One should not restrict their inner feelings of desires and use them to ascend the spiritual path.
Devi likes love- She wants it as her worship and if She likes it then its my Sadhna to do as the Deity pleases

The questions-

I have been getting strong feelings about approaching Shakti. I have started doing Shri Kamakhya Stotram but when I meditate, I get feelings of love towards the Goddess. Is this wrong? Am I misunderstanding Guruji here? Am I allowed to offer my love to Her in any way (not lust but making love) or that love needs to be done to a physical woman and offered indirectly to the Goddess, and the Goddess Herself should never be made love to and always seen as mother as is the usual way of the world?
Does Kaulachara necessitates doing the various worships (Nyasas, Chakra puja etc) as couples? Is there a way to do everything alone (or even imagine a form of Shakti as “inner consort”- a term I recently came across from another Kaulachar Sri Vidya Sadhaka, but couldn’t get much details?)

I hope I didn’t come across wrongly and I was in two minds as to whether post these or not but these questions have been puzzling me and my beliefs. Its Guruji’s encouraging words of not feeling ashamed that I gathered the courage to ask these questions from you experienced and fellow Sadhakas.

Jai Gurudev

Jai Maa Kamakhya

nilasara

It's said, even in more orthodox tantras like the Lakshmi Tantra that the Goddess comes to you in the form that means the most. Not eveyone has the best and most fantastic relationship with their mother. Sister's usually okay, but mostly friends. Friends, nice. But she will also come as a lover, if that's your need.

Tantra though is not about believing in God and Goddess outside of oneself. You are developing love and it is erotic today while you are young and full of hormones, and later that will subside a bit when you get older. It makes little dfference. This is your bhava. And together with Goddess you are a bhavani. What will be most important is if you understand that the devata, all of them, are components of your own mind. It's easier to do puja if you see them as separate. but they are not separate from you.

You think of you as your body perhaps. When you see yourself more as your mind, then the differences make less meaning than the compatibility. Also this having a relationship with Devi inside does a lot to get rid of loneliness, and also makes one a more compassionate lover in the material world.

The tantra is really for the life. The life is not for the tantra. Or both are for both. The Sri Vidya is the knowledge of all goodness. Shri is goodness.

Now in this school we do a lot of practice on Matangi, and she is about love and friendship, the best friend you can have. She is less erotic sentiment, and more friendly. Swamiji said she is the way to win Lalita's heart.

Kamakhya is Lalita. Kurukulla is also Lalita. These and Meenakshi are very direct paths to the heart of the Goddess. But not as thorough as Sri Vidya, which the path outlined by Parasurama's Kalpa Sutras gives step by step worship in order to gain entire fullness of a relationship with Devi.

It's a complex path, and takes some years to get ones mind wrapped around. But it is the path of the Goddess and is perfect in every way.

If you see it all though as worshipping within the mind and there being no within or without then many questions will go away.

kaulayogi

Thanks a lot for a detailed reply. So if I understood correctly-

By “this school” and “worshipping on Matangi”, did you mean the right handed path (either samayachar or dakshinachar)?
By Kamakhya, Kurukulla being “very direct paths to the heart of the Goddess”, did you mean Sri Vidya Kaula path (Kamakhya) and an equivalent path through Kurukulla?

I totally understand whatever the path, these intense/erotic feelings may come and with time and correct worship and sadhana, all the vasanas will dissolve eventually.

I want to go on Kaula path, starting where I am and with whatever traps I am in, and deliberately choosing this path/approach for only this reason- I am allowed to use the negatives to achieve the positives (sounds like using it to my advantage really, but that is the whole point- to use elements trapping us towards achieving the ultimate Freedom, without any shame, guilt or need to feel lost).

Also, Given that I am not in India and its really difficult to find a real and genuine Kaula practitioner, Guru, or a sampradaya just through the internet, and a possibility of ending up in fake tantra propaganda due to desperation, I had these questions with regards to Kaula path-

Is there any living Kaula Sampradaya, or a Guru who I can approach and speak to?
Is it possible to make a form of Shakti as my partner (inner consort) and continue the path instead of getting involved with a real woman? I would need a real guru anyways but I wanted to know if this is even a concept? That may help reduce chances of getting into fake tantra practitioners and limit the worship to within myself and a simple Diskha/Abhishekam may be enough to get me started?

Any insights would help me shape up my approach and quest.

I want to be sure what I am doing, at least to the extent that I know I am not doing anything wrong. I am already praying to Shakti to guide me as well.

Many many thanks for the reply again.

Jai Maa Kamakhya

nilasara

Have you read the two Books "The Goddess and the Guru?" These two books give you the essence of what Swami Amritananda teaches. Yes, his wife and daughter keep the sampradaya not just running but getting better all the time. The Swami made it so his teachings would go on for student all over the world. Making mantra permissions easy as listening to his Soundcloud and Youtube files. But purna diksha is given at Devipuram.

Nonetheless read those books as they are really good. I am just a student.

kaulayogi

nilasara

Thanks again for a prompt reply. Sure let me ask Devipuram if they would initiate me into Kaula path of Sri Vidya.

Thanks for pointing to the books,

Jai Maa Kamakhya