[Below is a copy of a conversation, string of e-mails, unedited, between Guruji and a disciple, which took place in the year 2009. The disciple has requested confidentiality so, the name of the disciple has been omitted.
Very intense conversation; food for thought].
Dearest Guruji,
Hope you and Amma are keeping well. I would like to share some unusual thoughts that have lingered since past couple of years. I don’t think anyone has quite understood me, except my Gurus.
I have been sort of "consumed" with the thought of death. I don’t think it should be interpreted in a negative way.
At times, it feels like...
I’ve been waiting forever for my visa and ticket to reach HER.
This body of mine is holding me down.
I don’t know what else I am needed here for (except to pay off the remaining debt/mortgage and attachment to another person). (Any asset is intended for the needy/non-profit organization).
Each time I do Triveni, I am intrigued by the verse to end the birth-death cycle. You have mentioned that without life, nothing is important. I feel life is no longer worth living for. I am tired...and desperately seeking the boon for HER to end of my birth-death cycle. I am eager to visit Varanasi to get my final rights done.
Are these feelings normal for a Sri Vidya Upasaka?
With love, “Disciple”
My dear “Disciple”,
Well, Well! You are getting there sooner than I expected!
Death is the time between life and life. You don't exist separated from the world; so you don't feel or know or do anything during that time. Time stops flowing for you, so no experience as we know. But the world keeps going in time, the world has life, but not as we know it. We enter that in death, in phases I think, in ever gradual increasing circles to encompass the whole. Until the whole is encompassed, rebirth is possible. Getting out of the cycle of births and deaths is called nirvana or moksha or whatever.
Methinks, Lalitha is the goddess of life; as she is also the goddess of death called Kali. Westerners call it Lilith, the demoness who aborts (or kills) children. Lalitha is the goddess of fertility; she is also the Goddess of infertility, sending the ejaculation in reverse upwards, stopping the process of birth. She gives bhoga=enjoyment of pleasure and pain; she also gives moksha=prevents birth. If you are not born, how can you die? That is the argument. She overcomes death, controls death.
The point is that experience as we know it happens only when we are living; it belongs to time when we have life. In that sense, life is the only thing there is. The time between lives is neither knowable nor can experienced, nor interacted except by people living now! So, all ghosts, angels, etc. live only in the minds of people; that is their space, then is their time. Gods exist as long as someone thinks about them!
But consider: should grave be the goal of life? Why not enjoyment of life be the goal while life exists? Because the only relevant time is when life is available.
So I say, make a commitment to make life happy. Not necessarily my life only Selfishly, but My Life as environment selfishly. I think that is the mind of God/ Goddess as I read it. I am not fool proof; I am also ignorant and foolish most of the time.
Love and cheers! Bring smiles, wipe tears, and enjoy life. Nirvana who cares? Who is there to care?
Love, Guruji
Dearest Guruji,
Thanks for taking the time to respond. I can’t remember how many times I’ve read your email trying to digest the depth of information.
Please help me understand what you meant by “...My Life as environment Selfishly”
Does this mean one should dedicate more time towards pujas/ japam? OR is it something like joining Unicef to help others in need? Please give me some examples. I need to understand this concept and then make a commitment.
Is there something wrong with embracing and seeking the notion of timelessness?
When one finds purpose in life, it leads to happiness thus bringing fulfillment. But when the core ingredient is missing, then you want to strip yourself from any experience / time / life and seek the “permanent” death / nirvana / moksha, where neither time nor experience exists. I find this phenomenon of world without time attractive because any pursuit of happiness where time flows seems like a temporary endeavor.
So while I’m still alive in this world, I need to first understand what is meant by making “My Life” happy.
I am not good at transcribing my thoughts and feelings...hope this makes sense.
Thanks for taking the time to respond. I can’t remember how many times I’ve read your email trying to digest the depth of information. Please help me understand what you meant by “...My Life as environment selfishly”
GURUJI
The capital S in Selfish is your identity expressing through environment, your spread out awareness. What is the environment? With all life you interact with, being different from it.
DISCIPLE
Does this mean one should dedicate more time towards pujas/japam? OR is it something like joining Unicef to help others in need? Please give me some examples. I need to understand this concept and then make a commitment.
GURUJI
The idea is that if you are identifying with your environment, you would care for it as you would care for yourself. In this world of I, me and myself and devil take the hindmost, a little of expansion of awareness beyond the limits of your body, mind and intellect goes a long way. It means social interactions with the understanding that I am helping/serving myself when I am helping/serving others.
DISCIPLE
Is there something wrong with embracing and seeking the notion of timelessness?
GURUJI
Nothing wrong. There is a little light around us, but there is the vast sea of darkness all round. Understanding and experiencing the darkness is the concept of timelessness. Timelessness does not mean that the time doesn't exist; it simply doesn't flow. It means that time is like space, you see all of it at once, like you see all of space at once. Really you are not seeing all of space at once either; as you look further in space, you look more and more back in time as well. But that is a little detail.
I will expand on the concept of time later on, it is a mystery unknown to scientists even today. All that we know is that time and space are relative, meaning they are exchangeable; and the equivalence of mass and energy comes from that perception.
DISCIPLE
When one finds purpose in life, it leads to happiness thus bringing fulfillment. But when the core ingredient is missing, then you want to strip yourself from any experience / time / life and seek the “permanent” death / nirvana / moksha, where neither time nor experience exists. I find this phenomenon of world without time attractive because any pursuit of happiness where time flows seems like a temporary endeavor.
GURUJI
The experience of world without time is satisfying. It is complete, full. It has a great attraction. It is like the passionate love between present and past+future, which we may call absent; the Buddhist Nirvana.
DISCIPLE
So while I’m still alive in this world, I need to first understand what is meant by making “My Life” happy.
GURUJI
At least you know what is meant by making life miserable, being negative? Ever idea is time-bound; it comes and goes. Still that is the only thing we know as experience. OK, happiness/pleasure has no value. So does misery/pain. Tranquility is absence of both. It is the thrill of the calm. It is like "ahaa!", or "Eureka!"
DISCIPLE
I am not good at transcribing my thoughts and feelings...hope this makes sense.
GURUJI
Oh no, you are very good. I unfortunately I’m tongue tied, because my life has been sort of flat; uneventful. So I am bad at giving examples, which have no meaning unless backed by selfish experience.
Love, Guruji
