Namaskaram to all respected sadhakas, elders and gurudeva and guruma
I have been doing sadhanas of one form of Devi and Shiva since nearly 3 years now with small initial shloka for Ganesha. Until now although there were difficulties during the sadhana in life, since the past few weeks I have been experiencing a very specific difficulty. In the past, my recitation of mantras and stotrams were quite good, if not great, and during japa I would reach meditative states as well along with smoothness in chanting the respective nama mantras/stotrams. I had many beautiful experiences, internal and external of Their Kripa as well.
However recently, suddenly I'm finding it difficult to pronounce some syllables/aksharas of the mantra/stotram during recitation frequently and I didn't face this difficulty before. Though I have been doing sadhana everyday, this difficulty in pronouncing parts of the mantra/stotram started a few weeks back and it has caused me immense distress, frustration and sadness. I feel extremely helpless, as I try my best to pronounce everything as should be, but despite my best efforts it feels like my mouth ends up too dry or my tongue often doesn't pronounce the akshara properly and I can almost never reach a meditative state now. I don't know if I'm allowed to sip water in the middle of japa or anushthan and if so, I don't know the procedure of doing so.
Therefore regarding this, I wanted to request any assistance that could help me in this situation, I feel extremely demotivated and discouraged.
I watch many spiritual related videos and I came across one by a famous and respected personality where he says that doing dosha-drishti or ninda of sadhakas or gurus results in one's sadhana, devotion and shakti dimnishing. I reflected hard on my past and found that I had engaged in this kind of interaction in the past, despite feeling it was wrong from within. Following this, I have been feeling extremely guilty and have been feeling if this is the punishment the deities are giving me for having done that. I've asked for forgiveness from Them for this a few times.
Additionally, I'm also currently doing an anushthan of an ugra form of Lord Shiva, whose japa I've been doing since 2-3 years now, and during this time I made some mistakes in pronouncing some syllables of the stotram. I had taken mental sankalpa to do X recitations of stotram for Y days, however seeing that my pronounciation is not good, I have developed fear that the deity is angry at me and punishing me by not allowing me to do His japa properly. This has further made me feel whether I should even continue His regular sadhana and japa I've done for years. I have asked for kshama nearly everyday and every opportunity for making mistakes in pronounciation even though, despite my best efforts the pronounciation isn't perfect still. This same anusthan I had done before and it was very amazing, not like the current one. Having done a few anusthans of Devi also, they have been beautiful in the past.
I had started the regular sadhana of the forms of Devi and Shiva seeing a video where this was told as an upadesha and the nama mantras/stotrams didn't require formal initiation. Now, I feel extremely discouraged, saddened and afraid of the very deities I've worshipped for years and with time I'm feeling as if both Devi and Shiva don't want me to pray to Them or are very angry with me. I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know what to think and how to process this situation, I don't have anyone to approach or ask for guidance since I don't have any guru or initiation.
If anyone can offer some support or help, it would be much appreciated.
