@nilasara
Thank you for sharing your valuable journey here. It sounds really exciting and focused on finding God within One-Self.
Self-realisation with tantra (and specifically Sri Vidya path as evident in Lalita Sahasranama) is usually when you know that your Kundalini has reached Sahasrara, like Guruji's did when he meditated intensely. This is what I meant by asking if you are self-realized.
Guruji used to say that Panchadasi is the mantra that people really need, anything beyond that is just ego's desire (these are not my words, Amma). For mantras like Mahashodashi, it is very very very high level and I am sorry to hear that you couldn't hold the money to your name, even after doing purascharana of Kamalatmika. Mantras like Mahashodashi push the seeker for Moksha, and this is usually avoided until a person is very ripe for this.
One year with Kamalatmika is not in the Sri Vidya progression path, though definitely a good Sadhana. In this day and age, it is rather heartbreaking that while you were working and doing Mahashodashi, you couldn't hold a penny in your name, and also a warning to others, if they seek material stability, don't go for it till you are actually very advanced and spiritually ripe with Sri Vidya Sadhana Paddhati (or progression). But your path to Moksha must have been so fulfilling and spiritually blessed.
In fact in one of his books, Goddess and the Guru, Guruji said that he had regrets that he gave mantras to people for what they asked, instead of what they should have been given, and what he felt that they needed - I will quote the book at the end.
Even I was given Panchadasi and Shodashi (16-lettered) by someone in Devipuram lineage, although they are an amazing teacher and I highly respect and love them, but what Devipuram is doing now is the best practice - stepwise progression in Sri Vidya. I had a very very tough life by following these high level teachings in the beginning of my Sri Vidya journey and I had to leave my good but toxic job and suffered financially too. This is how I know, progression in Sri Vidya Sadhana is very important, these energies are not to be invoked without solid preparation. Tantra is different than Bhakti, though, Bhakti is the most important aspect of it. I paid my price well. Although, Panchadasi is still known to help in all Dharma, Artha, Kaama and Moksha (Maa helps in both Bhoga and Moksha), but higher mantras like Mahashodashi are essentially, Moksha dayaka (Moksha-giver) because the person no longer care for the material wealth and already must be stable in life by their previous sadhanas in Sri Vidya paddhati (process).
It was lovely knowing your insights and experiences. Devi chose the path for you and you are so successful in it and walked on it for decades, and this is a HUGE deal and your love towards Devi and Guruji is an inspiration for us all. Thank you for being in this community.
Read the following passage from the book -
With the passage of time, however, the radical freedom and generosity that guided him throughout his life had become compromised. Rather than “doing as he willed”—as his father, Gurugaru and most of his life experiences had taught him—he too often found himself being used as a mere diksha resource, “giving mantras to devotees on demand rather than giving only what I felt was good for them.”
This particular departure from tradition had, he now felt, been an error. “It is not the tradition that the disciple asks the guru to give this or that mantra,” he explained. “The guru decides which he thinks is the best for the disciple. Yet, so many devotees requested me to give Maha Shodashi, Mahavakyas, purnadiksha; to make them peetadhipatis and so on—and I accommodated most such requests.”
Gurujis follower recollected: I also remember a case when a student from Buffalo came to Guruji asking for the Gayatri mantra. Guruji told him, ‘Why do you want Gayatri? It is a Vedic mantra and requires you to give up meat, etc. Why not take a Tantric mantra with higher potency and no such restriction?’ I could see he was uncomfortable with being put in a position where the disciple was demanding a particular mantra.”
Guruji’s motivation in doing so, he said, was never personal gain. “I went out of my way to do this out of pure compassion,” he said, “without expecting any return for shaktipat or initiation. If anyone gave me anything for my personal use, I spent it for Devi. God has given me enough to survive on; I have no need to appropriate what is given to God as mine.”
Source: Michael Bowden's biography "Goddess and the Guru"
